Try

It's back to December again, the time of the year where my mind holds most happy memories. This year has been a tough one for me, and i've can honestly say that i've learnt a lot this year, i've reached my lowest peak and it never fails to remind me of how much i screwed my year up. Its funny how different my life now is, compared to the previous years. Life has a way of taking away all the things and people you thought you had, time definitely taught me how to cherish and appreciate, however this harsh realisation came too late for me. I've grown so strong and so weak at the same time. Everything just boils down to the self hatred and disappointment i have for myself. Everyday i think back about my mistakes and i realized that i've fucked up and i can only blame myself and no one else. It's so tiring living in this misery and hoping that everyday will get better, when it only seems to get worst. Sometimes i wished i had amnesia, to forget all the pain. How can i learn to express myself when everything seems to be buried so deeply within myself? Do i continue to chase and hold on relentlessly or do i drop everything and walk off. Hope's scary in the way it has the ability to keep us sane but at the same time, blindly destroys us. I loved hard and i fell hard. Seems like i've learnt to live half a life.

Who can i blame? What can i say? When did my heart turned so cold and heavy? Guess the choices we make really defines who we are. 

♥

Hoping for the best

"Cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense"

One more week of bridging to the end of school. It's quite stressful to be stucked in this stage knowing that you're only a few months away from o's and yet it seems so far. My mind registers the fact that i have to study hard but when you think about it, 30 days per month x 9 months seems like an awful lot of days. You know that feeling? To feel like you're so near yet so far. My mind is eventually tricked to thinking i still have time to improvise and perfect my studies. That's where our problem lies, besides who can compete with time at the last minute stages? Best to start bucking up and resolve any lingering issues before it eats me up whole, mentally. It's so tiring trying to lead my life to the point of perfection and it seems like the more i try the more i crumble and this leaves me so dejected, and disheartened. I know that some things aren't achievable by hardwork and resolve but i'm still hoping that everything will go well. x

ANYWAY, i came across a article about horoscopes and it left me intrigued by my horoscope so i decided to google search it and to my surprise, it really matches my personality. Quite ironic for me to not believe in the supernatural or anything that has no scientific research to back it up and support the fact however i'm quite a believer of the horoscope. Oh well.

VIRGO 
Postive traits: Analytical, Observant, Helpful, Reliable, Precise
Negative traits: Skeptical, Fussy, Inflexible, Cold, Interfering
Your Biggest Strength: Your ability to focus your attention
Your Potential Weakness: Need for perfection gets in the way of enjoyment.

Although i don't get why virgos are cold and keep to themselves to avoid people prising apart their inner world yet they're interfering? How contradictory.

Virgo and Independence: Virgo is a very independent zodiac sign. They are fully able to put their intelligence to use and get things done for themselves. It is possible however that their narrow mindedness causes their creativity to suffer and they may lead regular routine lives. They may dwell too much on the past and over complicate things and this may limit their ability to move forward and confuse themselves. In conclusion, Virgos are able to be independent but the less evolved types will have difficult if someone is not there helping them to achieve more and not be so critical of themselves.

Virgo and Friendship: People look up to Virgo for friends because they are straight thinkers and solve problems logically. They are truthful, loyal and determined. Some people might find them cold or emotionally detached because they live in their minds, not in their emotions and feelings. It might be hard to pin down how a Virgo friend is feeling because they easily live in denial. A person who is able to read deep into another person will notice when Virgo is not well but if they confront them about it, they would rather retreat then talk about it. It is best to keep your emotional distance from a Virgo friend unless they open up to you first. Virgo might try to analyze and control a friend's life but only with the idea that they will improve their life, not purely for the sake of controlling. Be patient with your Virgo friend and understand that their recommendations are only to make your life better.

Virgo Temperament: Before a Virgo plunges into anything, from a problem to a vacation idea, they need to analyze all the facts and know all the details before they plunge in and make a decision. This makes them seem indecisive and slow. Virgo's perception is their reality, more so then other astrology signs. What they believe is what will be, if they have a negative outlook on life, things will present themselves to be negative and they will be very moody and isolated/detached. If they are positive, the same events that occur will be held in a positive light and they will be a pleasant, well adjusted person. A Virgo mind is a very powerful mind and they must have the proper attitude for their life to be happy and successful. Virgo needs to get in touch with their feelings, this is why they usually seem cold or detached. They are very prone of living in denial. They will say the feel okay or everything is alright even when it's not. This is an easy way out, the one thing that Virgo does not like to analyze is their feelings so pretending everything is okay is a good defense mechanism for not having to take a closer look at their feelings. Virgo has an unpredictable and sometimes unstable temperament.

Virgo Deep Inside: They need to be organized in their mind, sometimes all their energy is taken from organizing their mind that they have a difficult time organizing their surroundings. They easily look too deep into an issue and over analyze what they percept. Virgo is ambitious and strives to always know more and have more. This is in their eternal quest to bring order to chaos. Even if order is obtained from an outsiders' point of view, Virgo will not be settled for they have a very active mind that is always thinking and can never be silenced. Virgos want to be of use, they need to be important and essential to everyone in their lives and in everything they do. Virgo's major life lesson is to learn to trust in and have faith in the unknown. They have to understand that things in life happen for a reason that is not always known to them, they do not have to always know everything. They need to learn to calm down and not over-analyze a situation or event. Deep inside, Virgo is very sensitive and they need to be appreciated for all the things they do. When is Virgo is offended or hurt, they may never show it.

Virgo in a Nutshell: Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to acomplish something.

Don't lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you"

It's driving me beyond the point of insanity. Meant so little to someone who meant so much to me. I guess this calls for a wake up call. No one in my life is permanent, everything i have and everyone around me is temporary and its really sad to admit this but you can only love yourself and do so much for yourself. Because you can only count on yourself, the world is going to let us down one day and i'm determined not to put myself in a position where i'm vulnerable to getting hurt anymore. I desperately need a remedy for a total recovery. And if its true that time does heal, i really hope that in time, the feelings of anger, hate, frustration, sadness, pain, and anger will wash away. I guess thats all, till next time then x.

The girl who reads

“You should date a girl who reads. Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.Buy her another cup of coffee.Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.She has to give it a shot somehow.Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. Or better yet, date a girl who writes.” - Rosemarie Urquico ♥

Tearing at the seams.

Feels like a million empty years has enveloped me. No longer the once happy and joyous girl I used to be, my soul has turned cold and numb, so tired and weary. Just waiting for each day to pass never taking into account anything that goes on in each day of my life. I've lost all the fight and drive in me and now all I want to do is to retire and seek solace in a quiet and peaceful place.

Realized that I think too much for my own good, even when I'm tired and mad as fuck, I still stay calm and collected. But I can hardly deny the endless amount of incessant thoughts that run through my mind and drive me crazy. It's easy to see that so much has changed in the short span of 12 months. Everytime I think back on how detached and apathetic I've grown to be, I can't help feeling sad. Sometimes I wish I wasn't born me, I might have been spared from all these emotions. No doubt I've grown stronger through all these bad experiences but undoubtedly ive never been once truly joyous after. I'm just a mess, a broken promise and my parents product of love; their worst mistake. Never have I been so demotivated, dejected, disheartened, and disappointed. Not to mention that fate has constantly been against me. Oh we'll I hope this year passes soon, I'm so close to giving up. All I need now is the music and the cold night breeze. God, please lead the way, I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I'm on the right track. I feel so lost.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=KGrM1sh-8pE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DKGrM1sh-8pE My fav song at the moment, old but yes.

Hopeless

I've grown so numb towards everything. Seems like nothing even matters anymore. Past the point of being hurt and disappointed and now all i feel is... completely nothing. Numb. I dont know if i should feel amazed or worried, guess i'll let nature take its course.  Oh well, I'm so stressed out by my laziness. It's like I've gotten so lazy recently and at such a crucial period!!! Sigh oh and I hate chemistry.

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Holding on to the last bit of faith and hope.

I miss you I miss us.

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Fall apart

I realised its so much fucking easier to cope with having a selfish mindset. "Don't waste your time on things or people that won't even matter in a few years time" Haven't been updating this space of mine for quite some time. Life's been hectic and I guess it has been more downs rather than ups. Completely lost myself and everyone else around me in the pursuit of happiness. Seems like nothing ever goes way and when it does, it always happens to be short lived. That moment of happiness is really not worth the plunge of disappointment that comes after.

This year has been nothing but hell.
Feels like my life has fallen apart but I'm still living each day, just waiting for things to perk up.

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Short update

So many things have happened in a short period of time. I think everything just sums up to the fact that i've learnt alot, be it for the better or bad. Realised the complications of clubbing can bring about major disruptions to relationships, be it friendships, family relationships or relationships between couples. Putting that aside, June's been a good getaway for me and harsh impact of reality finally came down on me recently. So much has happened and i'm pretty much astounded by the rate at how fast things have changed. After a series of bad events, i just told myself i'll start working hard on how to improve myself. That's been going pretty much well lately. The strength of hatred, hurt and pain keeps me going, pushing me to do my best. Amazing how pain can serve as a good motivational factor, I'll remember to use it to my advantage. It's fucking scary how apathetic i've grown to become, not sure if its due to having my fair share of experiences or that i've came to terms with reality, who knows? Received so many comments from my close friends on my sudden change in attitude and personality and honestly i can't help thinking what would have they done if they were me? I honestly think i'm managing well for someone with a massive load of problems. I don't even get affected anymore, selfish way of thinking but it fucking does save you from the hurt, maybe being apathetic has its good points too.. Ok enough of harping on that. I'm determined to make some major changes in my life, and this time, changes for the benefit of myself in the long run.

Happy birthday

Pardon the shitty photos. They were taken a year ago and the lighting sucks  .


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, BESTFRIEND. ♥

It's 17 June today, and its your bithday. I'm writing a freaking blogpost for you, so you better be grateful cause my comp is fucking lagging and its really difficult for me to type it all out. PLUS, i'm not gonna be like the rest and just send you a 140 word tweet, wishing you happy birthday. First of all, i want to thank you, thank you for being such a amazing and truly caring friend. I'll never forget how we first met, from the quarell over a stupid class tee shirt design on facebook. Hilarious shit, and its amazing to know how fast time passes. Thank you for being the greatest listening ear ever, i'll never forget how everytime whenever i was upset, angry or having a rough time, you'd be the first person to rush down to meet me just to cheer me up or talk on the phone with me on hours on end, you never never fail to be there whenever i need you even when you were in Dubai and you specially called me just to check if i'm fine. :') I'm so happy that you're my bestfriend cause i couldn't ask for any better bestfriend other than you. I know i haven't been a perfect and ideal bestfriend, always taking our friendship for granted and contacting you as and when i like and always making you rush down to meet me at the last minute (sentosa and many others). In fact i've been a lousy bestfriend. Sorry. You're the only one that i trust wholeheartedly (must be honoured ok bcus i rarely trust people) because NEVER once have you ever let me down. You're always the one putting in the effort in this friendship. You were there at my fucking lowest and you have no idea how grateful i am to have a friend like you. I STILL HAVE THE SUPER SUPER SUPER HUGE BEAR YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY LAST YEAR. I know that recently we've drifted and i've become a changed person, for the worst. I'm going against everything i used to believe in, i've become someone i thought i'll never be, and i have no idea how but i know i'll try to change for the better. I'm glad that i've become so much stronger now, that i don't have to rely on you to always be there for me anymore , at least it'll lessen your burden (HAHA OK I KNOW I V TROUBLESOME OK). You're one of the few rare people who actually mean it when they say "I'm always be there if you ever need me" because by far, you've really stucked by my side thru both ups and downs. I have so many happy and valuable memories of our friendship, its a fucking rarity you'll find a true friend nowadays I truly thank god for the fact that 15 years ago, you were born, and that you entered my life because my life has been better ever since i met you. :')

P/s: Forgive me for the really really late post because my laptop is seriously hanging like shit, and i couldnt wait till tomorrow to tell you this thats why i'm posting this right now despite the lag. FORGIVE ME OK.

Happiness shall bind me.

"When one person stops trying in a relationship, that's when everything starts to fall apart." 
  

Met Eliza and Jared today, just for a little catch up. Got my tongue re-pierced, such a impulsive decision. Couldn't speak properly, worst off having pastamania for lunch was a total hassle! Took damn long to eat, and guess what, in the end i didn't manage to finish my meal... Eliza and Jared must've had fun laughing at me, watching me having difficulty eating and talking properly. HOW MEAN. In case anyone's wondering, they're not a couple, don't be mistaken!



Been lazing around so much lately, it's almost the end of the holidays and i haven't started on my work yet. How time flies. Used to be so neat and studious. Ok, must study tomorrow for sure, have to stop procrastinating really!!!! MUST MUST MUST. I guess i'll be meeting Germaine ong tomorrow for some studying and catch up session, how i miss my bestfriend. "True friendship isn't based on how many times you see each other, but the comfort and ease of telling each other your deepest and darkest secrets without the fear of being betrayed. True friendship is when you can still feel as close as ever, even if you haven't met each other for months" How true. Can't believe the rate which i'm spending, splurging on practically everything. SIGH, someone should just teach me to save up, how i wish i had unlimited cash. Fat hope...



I'm having so many mixed thoughts and emotions now. Sometimes i really wonder why i get affected and upset by one's insincerity and lack of effort. It's like we're falling in this place where both parties aren't willing to back down. Makes me wonder why i'm willing to put in the effort for people who never seem to appreciate it, and instead take it for granted.

Oh well, shall update later on this week. Goodnight xo. "It sucks when people hold on to that pain too long that they become totally judgemental and pessimistic about everything" @sxcasian

Bring back the good old days

Finally home after 3 days. Stayed over at Francisca's house on Friday all the way to today. Went to Club Soul on Friday night and it was pretty boring... No feel to club at all. Tried to contact Claire but to no avail, seems like she's on her missing in action spree again.. To think that we wanted to celebrate her birthday at Club Soul that day, as a surprise for her. Really hate it when everything is perfectly planned out, just to have something unexpected to screw everything up. Can't believe at this age i'm already getting bored of partying and everything, wonder how boring is it going to be when i grow up.. Back to topic, Saturday was well spent on lazing around and feasting at Francisca's house with Rachael. Wasn't feeling really well in the middle of the night, sweet of Rachael, Fran and her sister to hunt for medication and make milk for me. Had very minimum sleep these few days, surviving on 4 hours of sleep per day. Seems like my family life is never gonna stabilize. Funny how everytime i try to put in the effort to communicate, my efforts go unappreciated, and when i finally decide to not care, they start to care. After you put in your effort to do something for others, the least you would expect, is for them to appreciate it. It's only fair that way, isn't it? Oh well, after so many years, all i've learnt in this family is that i can only count on myself. How confusing, at times i want to be a good daughter that fares well academically and in life. At times, i just want to party and have fun and forget about everything for awhile. The distractions we face as a adolescent is infuriatingly annoying. But i should know better, should start concentrating on my future, besides without education and money, everything is fucking impossible. Sad to say, i'm already finding it so difficult to balance out my life. Scrolling through tumblr rn, and i realized i'm able to relate my life so much to tumblr, its as if someone else is publishing my thoughts. How amusing.



I need to go church soon. I thank god for all that i have, today.

 ASK ME QUESTIONS/COMMENT @ MY ASK FM ☺

Party

   I love you Mwsx ♥ You've given me much more than i deserve   Overdued post. Have been heading to town these few days with my boyfriend and my two girls, Francisca and Claire + Sean, Jordan, Zhiwei and One. Not sure if there's anyone else... I forgot. Stayed over at Francisca's house on Monday, had a fun time with the girls doing stupid things. I miss partying... Vaunt5 was a disappointment, hopefully gonna party more this holidays, before school starts. Talking about school, i really have to start on revision. I'm so addicted to DJ Kzee's Volume 13 dance mix right now, have been replaying it non stop. Supposed to head down to meet the girls today but i'm so tired and the rate of fast i spend my money, makes me speechless. Been so long since i last met my baby Francisca, from January till now. How time flies. Spent my day with baby yesterday at home, sleeping, since baby was sick and we both were so tired from the lack of sleep lately , before heading out for dinner and a movie. Watched Snow white and the huntsmen, the movie was good. Really grateful that i have such a loving and caring boyfriend. He never fails to take time out from his busy schedule to spend time with me. Baby sent me home, felt like ages since we had such a good time together alone. Must say that i'm quite happy that life at home has been better and i love dad and mom for being such understanding parents afterall... Have more to blog about, but i'm really lazy to elaborate. Till next time then x.

Happy birthday Claire

V5

Vaunt5 on Saturday with my boyfriend, Francisca, Claire, Eliza, Jordan, and a few more people i forgot who... Hectic day, had no feel at all, and half the time i'm literally drinking just for the sake of it, not to mention claire, francisca and i smoked a whole pack of iceblast.. The thought of me laying my hands on those nasty things makes me feel so utterly disgusted with myself. Oh well, at least i'm not addicted to smoking or whatsoever, just a social smoker. I'm lazy to elaborate, all i can say is i'm really grateful to have my boyfriend with me, to support me and all, he was so tired and had to go home to complete his projects and study before his exams on Monday, yet he accompanied me all night and even let me sleep on his lap on the way home. Sigh... Really blessed and lucky i have such a boyfriend. Didn't take any photos at all due to the constant rush for time.

Sometimes i just wish that our lives were simpler. Not constantly tangled up and involved in all these complications. Lately i've become very displeased by what i'm constantly lacking and people are telling me i should be grateful for what i have, yes ok bla bla... but really, if you were surrounded by people who have everything you seem to be lacking, wouldn't you feel the same? Over thinking really kills at times. If only i could turn back time, there'll be so many amendments i'll make, so that i won't ever have to end up in my current state. Would have given everything up i have for now, to be something more. There i go again, back to my usual self. Desperately need a drastic change in my lifestyle. How i wish i could turn back time.

Should start on my revision soon x, hate how holidays always seems to go by in a flash.

Happiness

Ok this is really really random, but yeah had a talk with one of my good friend, rather draggy but just a thought, i guess i'll share.

HOW TO BE HAPPY
I realized that nowadays most people (including myself, oops) have a tendency to dwell on the unhappy and negative stuff and miss out on the some of the happier things in life, it's a inevitable trait that all humans have, human nature you see. It's always easier to see the holes and what you're missing out in your life instead of what you have. In life nowadays, we're constantly waking up to a world full of uncertainty, doubts, lies, drama, the lack of faith and hope, more often, this has shaped people to have negative mindsets. I've lost so many people in my life, that i always had this mindset "i've already lost so many, losing another one doesn't make a difference" and that explains why i'm always so ready to let people walk out of my life, and in turn consoling myself by how much better i'll fare without them, because i believe i complete myself and i won't ever need anyone else to complete me. This is my hard way of learning and thru this few years i've received so much comments from others saying that i'm always putting my strong front on or i'm heartless or whatsoever. But really, everyone has their own weak and vulnerable side, it's just whether they show it or not. Taking love & relationships for instance, everyday, without fail at least 95% of the tweets i see on my timeline in twitter falls under the category of love. And 90% out of these 95% of them, are girls/boys being upset over their relationships or over the person they love. After going through ups and downs in my r/s, I've honestly learnt alot.

1. Relationships are NOT meant to be perfect, its completely normal to have fights or arguments, a fight once in awhile is healthy for the r/s.
2. Do not rely on someone for your own happiness or future. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that that person's gonna take care of you, be responsible for yourself, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
3. You must trust your partner. Trust in a important factor in a relationship and w/o trust, you two shouldn't even be together. Learn to build up the trust and not do things to break your partner's trust in you. Years to earn, seconds to break.
4. Learn to compromise with one another. You shouldn't be selfish and insist you're right all the time, neither should you be the one who's constantly giving in.
5. Forgive, and learn to apologise and change for the better. Sorry doesn't mean anything and actions speaks louder than words, so make sure a change for the better is seen
6. Understand, support and encourage each other.
7. Communication is key. Communicating helps clear doubts, insecurities and it helps both parties to understand each other.
8. Be appreciative, grateful and learn to cherish one another. Don't flirt.
9. Respect between each other,
10. Lastly, love each other unconditionally

Looking back, i realize i actually do have alot to be grateful for. Never thought being the usual apathetic and headstrong person i am, i would actually try to appreciate the things i have in life. Yes i do have alot to be grateful for, but i really never put in a single thought of how much the simplest things have brought happiness into my life. "You'll embrace happiness when your heart learns to let go of the pain" I know that this temporary bliss is not going to last me for long, and sooner or later i'll be back to my usual self, only considering my own feelings and thinking about how much better i'll fare even without the people i love, but then again, just wanted to record this temporary happiness of mine before it slips away.

But then again, i really thank god for letting me meet this special person. I love you ♥

Never enough.

Just a short update on Monday to distract myself.
swim > library > farrer park to meet billy and claire > cineleisure with claire > bumped into edwin and friend> met up with germaine and & brigid > germaine's house > kfc > home






“The feeling of losing someone so close to you, the feeling of someone you love so much, just drifting away from you? That desperate feeling to cry every night because things aren’t the same anymore. The feeling of being so happy when you’re with that certain person, but to them, its like “oh ok, we’re out to grab some dinner”. The feeling when they lay down on your lap to sleep, and no matter how tedious is it, no matter how tired you are, no matter how much you want to wake them up so that you both can talk, you don’t. Because you want to capture the moment of peace and silence, where you can just gaze at his sleepy face, and feel the warmth and comfort of him being so close to you. Do you feel so insanely sad when everyday passes, and nothing seems to be different, and one day you look back and you realise that everything’s changed. Do you get upset when he has all the time in the world for his friends, and his games, but none for you? You’ve always been so uptight, so afraid of trusting people, and once anyone loses your trust, they lose you. But for him, its different, no matter how times he breaks his promises, you forgive him and hope that he’ll change. Do you remember how fast his texts used to come, and that crazy smile plastered on your face when you’re with him, or when you receive his texts? And now, you look at him, and realise the person that you once knew, has faded to someone else. Remember those times, your heart raced, whenever he was beside you? Those times, where you both could talk about anything and everything together, and you both would never be bored, and now he simply does not even have the patience to even listen to your problems anymore. The days where you yearn to see him in school, the days where you were sick and he came over to take care of you. Do you still remember those days? The days where you both would plan for your future, to marry, to have 2 children, travel around the world, a house and a pet dog? How you would get jealous when he talks to other girls. Whenever you both were hungry, you’ll be dressed in something so simple and plain, to go out together to get food, because you feel so comfortable with him. Those fights that’ll never last more than a day, and everytime you fight, the next day he’ll appear at your doorstep, to apologise and to tell you he loves you. How you would pull away when you’re upset and hurt, and he’ll pull you back closer and hug you real tight, and never let go. Those kisses on your forehead, assuring you he trusts you. How you both would cuddle up on the sofa to watch horror movies, and cartoons together for the whole afternoon, those sleepovers where you wake up to find yourself blissfully lying on his chest while he hugs you. Every little thought, every little action, they mean so much to me. Those mini keychains, the dates, the handwritten letters he gave to you, they mean so much. The surge of joy, and anticipation you get when he says he’s going over to your house, to see you. When you were so excited to introduce him to your parents because he was the first person you ever love so much. The time where you both promised to never change, and remain the same. Watching him play with your younger siblings, brings so much joy to you. How you would spend hours on the phone with him, without ever getting bored. The long birthday texts, the birthday dates, the movies, the kisses. Those were the days. Before he started being cold, before the late replies, the lack of attention and communication, the broken promises, having no time for you, taking you for granted, before he stopped making the effort. Now, you can’t help feeling that you’ll give anything to go back to those days. You’re not sure if his feelings has faded, but at the same time you pray so hard that they didn’t. Yet at the same time, you don’t know if you should let go, because if things were meant to be, they would be. But you know that if you ever let him go, you wouldn’t be able to stand the hurt and pain of doing so. You give in all the time, because you love him so much. You closed your heart, in fear of being hurt all over again. And you’re here hoping so hard, crying, telling yourself he’ll return back to who he used to be, and that he’ll always and always love you, and no matter how you try to run away or push him away, he’ll pull you back closer so that you won’t be able to leave, because you know that deep down your heart, he’s always been the one that you’re willing to sacrifice so much for. I guess they say love is complicated.”

"Wish i knew then, what i know now"
Fell so hopelessly and irrevocably in love with someone that in the end, gave up on me without a single fight put up to salvage the relationship. Always stood firm in my belief that everyone and everything is temporary and that i'd do good even without anyone. But when it comes to losing the person you love the most, it's a whole different story. So much time, effort, and love invested into someone that acted as if we weren't worth the fight. Really makes me wonder how easy i made it for people to walk in and out of my life, as and when they like, trample with my feelings and walk away just like that. I'm so lost for words i don't know what to say or do, the only thing i know is that this hurts. Seems like once you let someone have you, they start to take you for granted and sooner or later, they realize that they no longer need you since you're constantly by their side. Maybe ever since the start i was afraid that this would happen, swore to never change? Guess time did tell. Still hurts so much even though i saw it coming. Lesson learnt, never sacrifice too much for the more you love, the harder you'll fall when it fails you. I really hope my fortitude shall not fail me in the mean time.

"Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, it does not boast, it does not become conceited, it does not behave dishonorably, it is not selfish, it does not become angry, it does not keep a record of wrongs, it does not rejoice at unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But if there are prophecies, they will pass away. If there are tongues, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but whenever the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside the things of a child. For now we see through a mirror indirectly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know completely, just as I have also been completely known. And now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13

Heart on the line

Hanna & I last year @ East Coast (pardon the small eyes, the sun was too bright)

Dear Hanna, you're a beautiful and talented girl with loads of potential, I'm utterly grateful and blessed to have a friend like you, really treasure our friendship, and thank you for the amazing memories we shared. I will miss you when you leave Singapore and i reallyyyyyy hope we'll still stay in contact and that you can come to visit us in Singapore in the future. You're truly amazing,
I love you, Hanna Giselle Thompson ♥

Ok, school's out and yes my results are out too. Didn't do well this time round, in fact my level position dropped, absolutely did not put in ANY effort, and i can say i'm rather disappointed with myself. I realized i have a tendency to feel extremely bitter about the fact that others are doing so much better than myself. I don't like the feeling of losing, in fact i HATE it. Whatever, shall do better in the next exam. Sick of the disputes between my parents and i, i'm not used to the sudden display of affection and concern over my well being, it's a rarity to come home everyday to feel comfortable with the thought of "home sweet home" on my mind. Oh well, it doesn't even feel like its the holidays, especially due to the fact that my freedom has been restricted and the heavy burden of the mental reminder to myself that i have to sacrifice more time for my academics instead of just wasting my time, having fun. Anyway its my brother's birthday today.

Lazy Sunday today, was down with a really bad cramp and headache, read a new book, House Rules by Jodi Picoult. Must say it was rather draggy but the story was not bad. My vocabulary and english seems to be deproving, this is bad, i should start studying harder and reading up more. Daddy got me a little present from Japan despite our huge fight, and i can say that i'm really touched. Sometimes its the smaller actions and gestures people do, that has more significance and meaning behind it. I think about what my parents go through and everything they did to bring me up and i can understand why they want a better disciplined daughter who fares well in academics and in life I'm so easily angered and irritable these days, its like everything is simply pissing me off. Oh well, it's my bestfriend, Patrick's birthday tomorrow, hooray to 3 years of friendship.
lol i miss my gay baby haha ♥

Worlds' apart

Interest is when, you do it only when circumstance permit, however when you're committed, you accept no excuses, only results.
Fell in love with most of the songs from The Veronicas. Reflected alot on my life and i realised that i've been wasting it on the people and things that won't even matter in time. With each wasted second, there goes a second of your life, because not even all the luxuries and cash in the world can ever exchange for that one split second of your life. Had a talk with mom that only resulted in both of us getting rly emotional and, it made me reflect alot, and i realised that blood is indeed thicker than water. Questioning myself if this is the life i want to continue leading? I have to brace myself up and be strong cause all along, i knew that reality was in store for me right, it's only a matter of time before i faced it. All the choices that we make defines who and where we'll end up to be in the future. Honestly i could have done so much more in life, and now all i see when i look back, are all regrets. Guess i was too blinded to see ahead of myself. I have to learn to accept the fact that people change, and they stop putting in the effort to keep you by their sides, i have to learn to let go of certain people and things. Hopefully things will turn out for the better. Goodnight x. ♥

Long forgotten

♥ ♥ ♥Guess this is one of those nights where my mind wanders off on its own again, i have absolutely no understanding of my feelings. This is getting crazy. One moment i'm telling myself i shouldn't get attached to people, that everyone and everything around me is temporary and that nothing lasts forever despite how much you want it to last, knowing that i could lose possibly everything one day i have if fate isn't on my side and that i have to rely on myself for my own happiness and future. I always doubt the people who tells me that they'll be with me through out it all, words are just words aren't they? Its not like i haven't had my fair share of experiences. Time and time again, i've been countlessly let down. Over and over again. I've gotten so used to the disappointments, it still hurts but i've learnt how to endure it, afterall its not like i'm the only one suffering. I've kept so much to myself i find it so difficult to open up anymore. I've got so many things i want to say, to the people i care for/love, but my fear of getting hurt always triumphs.

Yet another part of me wants to hold on tightly to everything i have right now because i never know when i would lose everything and everyone, and as much as it hurts to be constantly let down, i want a reason to believe and trust in people. I don't know how much longer i can keep strong for, everyday's just a constant battle between my head and heart, trying my best to keep it in me. I'm scared of disappointment, of hurt, of the pain, of the memories, of the thought of how happy i used to be, everything is a just a horrible and harsh reminder to myself to never let anyone close enough to hurt me anymore. I'm so sick and tired of keeping my hopes up and being positive, what the point? Everytime someone makes me believe i can trust them, within the next minute, they do something to destroy my trust in them, that eventually leads to proving my judgement of "trusting people will cause you to be disappointed" right, resulting in me distancing myself from them. Its like the same old vicious cycle all over again.

The worst part is knowing that i just have to keep my strong and calm image and be immune towards everything, to never let my weak, vulnerable side of me to get the better of me. "Do not let my feelings clash with my ability to think rationally", and yet people say i'm insensitive and preoccupied in my own selfish world to bother with others. I mean i have my own share of problems and i can handle that by myself so why do i need to lament about my problems all day just to seek for attention and pity from the people around me? Just because i don't say or show it doesn't mean its not happening or that i don't feel anything. It's just that i'm able to keep my emotions in check, doesn't mean that i'm leading such a painless life. I can fully relate to this: "I'm not heartless, i've just learnt to use my heart less". I find it so utterly ridiculous how the people i barely know can always manage to notice my insecurities and my pain and try to understand me, while the people closest to me always seem to be oblivious. And all thats happening is causing me to doubt the life i've been leading, and i can't help feeling how much i would give everything up right now just to restart my life all over again. Selfish thought i know, but if you were in my shoes, would you have made the same decision that i made? The past used to be so much prettier, but i don't want to linger and be trapped in there anymore.

Sunday once again

Mom and i in the past

Oh and yes, do take a look @ Thesamplestore, thesamplestore.sg is a site mainly to test purchase or test out the different products (mainly beauty) from a range of skincare to makeup!!! I know that some of you girls might be interested and best part is that, you'll be able to redeem free samples, before you decide if you want to purchase a certain product!!! Good news, is that you just have to pay for the delivery fee, and that's only 2-4 bucks!! May be doing a review for certain products soon (depends), so if you want to try it out too, click Thesamplestore and get started now, before the sample stocks run out!! Much appreciated x! ♥♥

So today's mothers day and there's nothing planned out. Quite guilt stricken for not preparing anything for mom, guess a part of me still is concerned about her feelings. Not sure if its just a feeling of being indebted towards her, or? Afterall she was the one that raised me up. Its sunday once again, had initially planned on going for church but i guess i'll put it off till next week, after my exams. Can't wait for my exams to be over, but i'm not looking forward to the results. Didn't study this time round. Bound to fail for sure, ha ha whats new. Woke up in the morning feeling so drained from my dreams, have been having really exaggerated and ridiculous dreams lately and it pretty much freaked me out. Feeling so horrible, felt the surge of sadness and relief the moment i woke up, glad that it was only just a dream, summary of my dream: not to take the people and things i love for granted. Sigh i miss bb so much. :( Had dinz with Patrick yesterday and i have no idea why I was on such a food desperate spree yesterday. Craving for cupcakes, gongcha, pastamania, pizzahut, kfc, starbucks, sushi, tauhuey... God knows what else. Had a very satisfying dinner and i had the best chicken wings evurrr hehe. Yummy.

I chose this life for myself, and i chose to walk down this path, i don't know if there's any turning back now but i really hope you'll understand why i'm doing this. I just want someone to fight for me and realise i do have my reasons for doing things and as much as it hurts, i want a reason to turn back because i know that even if i was leading a life full of doubts and was always caught up in my endless wishful thinkings, i was happy back then. Even though its easier to say i don't care, to try to numb myself towards the things and people around me, then to let myself go through the vicious cycle of hurt again, i'm not happy. And i can say that this hurts more, but still i keep my feelings to myself because i know that as much as i love someone, i'm more afraid of getting hurt. Is that selfish of me? I tell myself i have no regrets but i know when the time comes, i'll be the first to regret it all. For letting people walk out of my life without fighting for them. What am i thinking again... I just hope whatever choices i make, it'll all be worth it when i look back in time. Always pushing people away due to my insecurities and putting my ego in priority, for once i should put my ego down for the people i love, but then again its so difficult for me to actually put my ego and pride down for anyone. "You don't know what you've got till you lose what you what you used to have"

Mundane

Baby's 17 birthday.
Just a random picture that pretty much lifted up my spirits this morning. :-) Dead beat, reached home at 2am last night and only managed to sleep at 4. I woke up on the wrong side on the bed today, with a bad mood. Such a bad way to start off my day. Sometimes its really hard to communicate and try to understand my parents. I have to keep up with their expectations, and when i don't, they claim they're disappointed. Disappointment is a big word to me, and i get really affected by it, imagine your parents constantly tell you that they're disappointed. I used to be the type to want to gain my parents trust. I'd still like to gain their trust, but lets face it, easier said then done. To be honest, right now, even if they claim they're disappointed, i wouldn't really bother. Not like in the past, where i would apologize and try to make amendments. I've gotten so used to disappointment, that i don't feel anything anymore. Not intending on celebrating Mothers' Day which is tomorrow, i don't want to force myself into making her happy, when i clearly know that i'm not interested in talking to her. One month has gone by, and i've made very minimal contact with my parents. I like it better this way. Ah i'm so broke, all my money is in my mother's hands.. I need to shop. :( Did i mention how mundane my life is?

Have to constantly remind myself that i shouldn't trust easily. To think i almost let my guard down...

Brand new start

Just revived my old and dead blogger, after 2 miserable years. Decided to delete all my 300+ posts from before, furthermore, recalling the me from 2-4 years back just brought back so many bad memories. So here i am, brand new start, afresh.

It's the mid years once again, to think that 5 months passed so fast, almost half a year, and i've done absolutely nothing. Pathetic and aimless life i lead. Contemplated to revive my blogger, partly due to wanting to have a quick get-away from the hectic and messy life of mine. Ah... I have a really bad flu and migraine, my head hurts so bad. Ok so today was E-Maths paper 2 and A-Maths, i'm gonna fail really badly this time round, due to my endless procrastination and lack of motivation. I wonder where did the me from a year back, went? The one who was so constantly happy and motivated, to always do my best for myself and for everyone around me. This time round, i can't afford to think like that anymore. Call me selfish, but the only person that i'm able to do my best for, is myself. Afterall, so many experiences, only taught me that in this world, the only person i can rely and count on, is myself. Nobody's gonna stick with me through out, i'm responsible for my own happiness and future. Everything and everyone around me, is temporary. "Leave before everyone else leaves, make sure you're your own priority beause no one else can treat you better, than you treat yourself" An important lesson learnt, glad that i've finally got that drilled into my brain. With my inability to trust anyone around me, i've spared myself from all the redundant hurt and pain, turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Ok too much for the first post.

I'm ending off with a picture of my dog, that i missed so bad. The only happy memory i can recall, back from the past. How i miss her.