Happiness

Ok this is really really random, but yeah had a talk with one of my good friend, rather draggy but just a thought, i guess i'll share.

HOW TO BE HAPPY
I realized that nowadays most people (including myself, oops) have a tendency to dwell on the unhappy and negative stuff and miss out on the some of the happier things in life, it's a inevitable trait that all humans have, human nature you see. It's always easier to see the holes and what you're missing out in your life instead of what you have. In life nowadays, we're constantly waking up to a world full of uncertainty, doubts, lies, drama, the lack of faith and hope, more often, this has shaped people to have negative mindsets. I've lost so many people in my life, that i always had this mindset "i've already lost so many, losing another one doesn't make a difference" and that explains why i'm always so ready to let people walk out of my life, and in turn consoling myself by how much better i'll fare without them, because i believe i complete myself and i won't ever need anyone else to complete me. This is my hard way of learning and thru this few years i've received so much comments from others saying that i'm always putting my strong front on or i'm heartless or whatsoever. But really, everyone has their own weak and vulnerable side, it's just whether they show it or not. Taking love & relationships for instance, everyday, without fail at least 95% of the tweets i see on my timeline in twitter falls under the category of love. And 90% out of these 95% of them, are girls/boys being upset over their relationships or over the person they love. After going through ups and downs in my r/s, I've honestly learnt alot.

1. Relationships are NOT meant to be perfect, its completely normal to have fights or arguments, a fight once in awhile is healthy for the r/s.
2. Do not rely on someone for your own happiness or future. Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that that person's gonna take care of you, be responsible for yourself, hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
3. You must trust your partner. Trust in a important factor in a relationship and w/o trust, you two shouldn't even be together. Learn to build up the trust and not do things to break your partner's trust in you. Years to earn, seconds to break.
4. Learn to compromise with one another. You shouldn't be selfish and insist you're right all the time, neither should you be the one who's constantly giving in.
5. Forgive, and learn to apologise and change for the better. Sorry doesn't mean anything and actions speaks louder than words, so make sure a change for the better is seen
6. Understand, support and encourage each other.
7. Communication is key. Communicating helps clear doubts, insecurities and it helps both parties to understand each other.
8. Be appreciative, grateful and learn to cherish one another. Don't flirt.
9. Respect between each other,
10. Lastly, love each other unconditionally

Looking back, i realize i actually do have alot to be grateful for. Never thought being the usual apathetic and headstrong person i am, i would actually try to appreciate the things i have in life. Yes i do have alot to be grateful for, but i really never put in a single thought of how much the simplest things have brought happiness into my life. "You'll embrace happiness when your heart learns to let go of the pain" I know that this temporary bliss is not going to last me for long, and sooner or later i'll be back to my usual self, only considering my own feelings and thinking about how much better i'll fare even without the people i love, but then again, just wanted to record this temporary happiness of mine before it slips away.

But then again, i really thank god for letting me meet this special person. I love you ♥

Never enough.

Just a short update on Monday to distract myself.
swim > library > farrer park to meet billy and claire > cineleisure with claire > bumped into edwin and friend> met up with germaine and & brigid > germaine's house > kfc > home






“The feeling of losing someone so close to you, the feeling of someone you love so much, just drifting away from you? That desperate feeling to cry every night because things aren’t the same anymore. The feeling of being so happy when you’re with that certain person, but to them, its like “oh ok, we’re out to grab some dinner”. The feeling when they lay down on your lap to sleep, and no matter how tedious is it, no matter how tired you are, no matter how much you want to wake them up so that you both can talk, you don’t. Because you want to capture the moment of peace and silence, where you can just gaze at his sleepy face, and feel the warmth and comfort of him being so close to you. Do you feel so insanely sad when everyday passes, and nothing seems to be different, and one day you look back and you realise that everything’s changed. Do you get upset when he has all the time in the world for his friends, and his games, but none for you? You’ve always been so uptight, so afraid of trusting people, and once anyone loses your trust, they lose you. But for him, its different, no matter how times he breaks his promises, you forgive him and hope that he’ll change. Do you remember how fast his texts used to come, and that crazy smile plastered on your face when you’re with him, or when you receive his texts? And now, you look at him, and realise the person that you once knew, has faded to someone else. Remember those times, your heart raced, whenever he was beside you? Those times, where you both could talk about anything and everything together, and you both would never be bored, and now he simply does not even have the patience to even listen to your problems anymore. The days where you yearn to see him in school, the days where you were sick and he came over to take care of you. Do you still remember those days? The days where you both would plan for your future, to marry, to have 2 children, travel around the world, a house and a pet dog? How you would get jealous when he talks to other girls. Whenever you both were hungry, you’ll be dressed in something so simple and plain, to go out together to get food, because you feel so comfortable with him. Those fights that’ll never last more than a day, and everytime you fight, the next day he’ll appear at your doorstep, to apologise and to tell you he loves you. How you would pull away when you’re upset and hurt, and he’ll pull you back closer and hug you real tight, and never let go. Those kisses on your forehead, assuring you he trusts you. How you both would cuddle up on the sofa to watch horror movies, and cartoons together for the whole afternoon, those sleepovers where you wake up to find yourself blissfully lying on his chest while he hugs you. Every little thought, every little action, they mean so much to me. Those mini keychains, the dates, the handwritten letters he gave to you, they mean so much. The surge of joy, and anticipation you get when he says he’s going over to your house, to see you. When you were so excited to introduce him to your parents because he was the first person you ever love so much. The time where you both promised to never change, and remain the same. Watching him play with your younger siblings, brings so much joy to you. How you would spend hours on the phone with him, without ever getting bored. The long birthday texts, the birthday dates, the movies, the kisses. Those were the days. Before he started being cold, before the late replies, the lack of attention and communication, the broken promises, having no time for you, taking you for granted, before he stopped making the effort. Now, you can’t help feeling that you’ll give anything to go back to those days. You’re not sure if his feelings has faded, but at the same time you pray so hard that they didn’t. Yet at the same time, you don’t know if you should let go, because if things were meant to be, they would be. But you know that if you ever let him go, you wouldn’t be able to stand the hurt and pain of doing so. You give in all the time, because you love him so much. You closed your heart, in fear of being hurt all over again. And you’re here hoping so hard, crying, telling yourself he’ll return back to who he used to be, and that he’ll always and always love you, and no matter how you try to run away or push him away, he’ll pull you back closer so that you won’t be able to leave, because you know that deep down your heart, he’s always been the one that you’re willing to sacrifice so much for. I guess they say love is complicated.”

"Wish i knew then, what i know now"
Fell so hopelessly and irrevocably in love with someone that in the end, gave up on me without a single fight put up to salvage the relationship. Always stood firm in my belief that everyone and everything is temporary and that i'd do good even without anyone. But when it comes to losing the person you love the most, it's a whole different story. So much time, effort, and love invested into someone that acted as if we weren't worth the fight. Really makes me wonder how easy i made it for people to walk in and out of my life, as and when they like, trample with my feelings and walk away just like that. I'm so lost for words i don't know what to say or do, the only thing i know is that this hurts. Seems like once you let someone have you, they start to take you for granted and sooner or later, they realize that they no longer need you since you're constantly by their side. Maybe ever since the start i was afraid that this would happen, swore to never change? Guess time did tell. Still hurts so much even though i saw it coming. Lesson learnt, never sacrifice too much for the more you love, the harder you'll fall when it fails you. I really hope my fortitude shall not fail me in the mean time.

"Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, it does not boast, it does not become conceited, it does not behave dishonorably, it is not selfish, it does not become angry, it does not keep a record of wrongs, it does not rejoice at unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. But if there are prophecies, they will pass away. If there are tongues, they will cease. If there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but whenever the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I set aside the things of a child. For now we see through a mirror indirectly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know completely, just as I have also been completely known. And now these three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13

Heart on the line

Hanna & I last year @ East Coast (pardon the small eyes, the sun was too bright)

Dear Hanna, you're a beautiful and talented girl with loads of potential, I'm utterly grateful and blessed to have a friend like you, really treasure our friendship, and thank you for the amazing memories we shared. I will miss you when you leave Singapore and i reallyyyyyy hope we'll still stay in contact and that you can come to visit us in Singapore in the future. You're truly amazing,
I love you, Hanna Giselle Thompson ♥

Ok, school's out and yes my results are out too. Didn't do well this time round, in fact my level position dropped, absolutely did not put in ANY effort, and i can say i'm rather disappointed with myself. I realized i have a tendency to feel extremely bitter about the fact that others are doing so much better than myself. I don't like the feeling of losing, in fact i HATE it. Whatever, shall do better in the next exam. Sick of the disputes between my parents and i, i'm not used to the sudden display of affection and concern over my well being, it's a rarity to come home everyday to feel comfortable with the thought of "home sweet home" on my mind. Oh well, it doesn't even feel like its the holidays, especially due to the fact that my freedom has been restricted and the heavy burden of the mental reminder to myself that i have to sacrifice more time for my academics instead of just wasting my time, having fun. Anyway its my brother's birthday today.

Lazy Sunday today, was down with a really bad cramp and headache, read a new book, House Rules by Jodi Picoult. Must say it was rather draggy but the story was not bad. My vocabulary and english seems to be deproving, this is bad, i should start studying harder and reading up more. Daddy got me a little present from Japan despite our huge fight, and i can say that i'm really touched. Sometimes its the smaller actions and gestures people do, that has more significance and meaning behind it. I think about what my parents go through and everything they did to bring me up and i can understand why they want a better disciplined daughter who fares well in academics and in life I'm so easily angered and irritable these days, its like everything is simply pissing me off. Oh well, it's my bestfriend, Patrick's birthday tomorrow, hooray to 3 years of friendship.
lol i miss my gay baby haha ♥

Worlds' apart

Interest is when, you do it only when circumstance permit, however when you're committed, you accept no excuses, only results.
Fell in love with most of the songs from The Veronicas. Reflected alot on my life and i realised that i've been wasting it on the people and things that won't even matter in time. With each wasted second, there goes a second of your life, because not even all the luxuries and cash in the world can ever exchange for that one split second of your life. Had a talk with mom that only resulted in both of us getting rly emotional and, it made me reflect alot, and i realised that blood is indeed thicker than water. Questioning myself if this is the life i want to continue leading? I have to brace myself up and be strong cause all along, i knew that reality was in store for me right, it's only a matter of time before i faced it. All the choices that we make defines who and where we'll end up to be in the future. Honestly i could have done so much more in life, and now all i see when i look back, are all regrets. Guess i was too blinded to see ahead of myself. I have to learn to accept the fact that people change, and they stop putting in the effort to keep you by their sides, i have to learn to let go of certain people and things. Hopefully things will turn out for the better. Goodnight x. ♥

Long forgotten

♥ ♥ ♥Guess this is one of those nights where my mind wanders off on its own again, i have absolutely no understanding of my feelings. This is getting crazy. One moment i'm telling myself i shouldn't get attached to people, that everyone and everything around me is temporary and that nothing lasts forever despite how much you want it to last, knowing that i could lose possibly everything one day i have if fate isn't on my side and that i have to rely on myself for my own happiness and future. I always doubt the people who tells me that they'll be with me through out it all, words are just words aren't they? Its not like i haven't had my fair share of experiences. Time and time again, i've been countlessly let down. Over and over again. I've gotten so used to the disappointments, it still hurts but i've learnt how to endure it, afterall its not like i'm the only one suffering. I've kept so much to myself i find it so difficult to open up anymore. I've got so many things i want to say, to the people i care for/love, but my fear of getting hurt always triumphs.

Yet another part of me wants to hold on tightly to everything i have right now because i never know when i would lose everything and everyone, and as much as it hurts to be constantly let down, i want a reason to believe and trust in people. I don't know how much longer i can keep strong for, everyday's just a constant battle between my head and heart, trying my best to keep it in me. I'm scared of disappointment, of hurt, of the pain, of the memories, of the thought of how happy i used to be, everything is a just a horrible and harsh reminder to myself to never let anyone close enough to hurt me anymore. I'm so sick and tired of keeping my hopes up and being positive, what the point? Everytime someone makes me believe i can trust them, within the next minute, they do something to destroy my trust in them, that eventually leads to proving my judgement of "trusting people will cause you to be disappointed" right, resulting in me distancing myself from them. Its like the same old vicious cycle all over again.

The worst part is knowing that i just have to keep my strong and calm image and be immune towards everything, to never let my weak, vulnerable side of me to get the better of me. "Do not let my feelings clash with my ability to think rationally", and yet people say i'm insensitive and preoccupied in my own selfish world to bother with others. I mean i have my own share of problems and i can handle that by myself so why do i need to lament about my problems all day just to seek for attention and pity from the people around me? Just because i don't say or show it doesn't mean its not happening or that i don't feel anything. It's just that i'm able to keep my emotions in check, doesn't mean that i'm leading such a painless life. I can fully relate to this: "I'm not heartless, i've just learnt to use my heart less". I find it so utterly ridiculous how the people i barely know can always manage to notice my insecurities and my pain and try to understand me, while the people closest to me always seem to be oblivious. And all thats happening is causing me to doubt the life i've been leading, and i can't help feeling how much i would give everything up right now just to restart my life all over again. Selfish thought i know, but if you were in my shoes, would you have made the same decision that i made? The past used to be so much prettier, but i don't want to linger and be trapped in there anymore.

Sunday once again

Mom and i in the past

Oh and yes, do take a look @ Thesamplestore, thesamplestore.sg is a site mainly to test purchase or test out the different products (mainly beauty) from a range of skincare to makeup!!! I know that some of you girls might be interested and best part is that, you'll be able to redeem free samples, before you decide if you want to purchase a certain product!!! Good news, is that you just have to pay for the delivery fee, and that's only 2-4 bucks!! May be doing a review for certain products soon (depends), so if you want to try it out too, click Thesamplestore and get started now, before the sample stocks run out!! Much appreciated x! ♥♥

So today's mothers day and there's nothing planned out. Quite guilt stricken for not preparing anything for mom, guess a part of me still is concerned about her feelings. Not sure if its just a feeling of being indebted towards her, or? Afterall she was the one that raised me up. Its sunday once again, had initially planned on going for church but i guess i'll put it off till next week, after my exams. Can't wait for my exams to be over, but i'm not looking forward to the results. Didn't study this time round. Bound to fail for sure, ha ha whats new. Woke up in the morning feeling so drained from my dreams, have been having really exaggerated and ridiculous dreams lately and it pretty much freaked me out. Feeling so horrible, felt the surge of sadness and relief the moment i woke up, glad that it was only just a dream, summary of my dream: not to take the people and things i love for granted. Sigh i miss bb so much. :( Had dinz with Patrick yesterday and i have no idea why I was on such a food desperate spree yesterday. Craving for cupcakes, gongcha, pastamania, pizzahut, kfc, starbucks, sushi, tauhuey... God knows what else. Had a very satisfying dinner and i had the best chicken wings evurrr hehe. Yummy.

I chose this life for myself, and i chose to walk down this path, i don't know if there's any turning back now but i really hope you'll understand why i'm doing this. I just want someone to fight for me and realise i do have my reasons for doing things and as much as it hurts, i want a reason to turn back because i know that even if i was leading a life full of doubts and was always caught up in my endless wishful thinkings, i was happy back then. Even though its easier to say i don't care, to try to numb myself towards the things and people around me, then to let myself go through the vicious cycle of hurt again, i'm not happy. And i can say that this hurts more, but still i keep my feelings to myself because i know that as much as i love someone, i'm more afraid of getting hurt. Is that selfish of me? I tell myself i have no regrets but i know when the time comes, i'll be the first to regret it all. For letting people walk out of my life without fighting for them. What am i thinking again... I just hope whatever choices i make, it'll all be worth it when i look back in time. Always pushing people away due to my insecurities and putting my ego in priority, for once i should put my ego down for the people i love, but then again its so difficult for me to actually put my ego and pride down for anyone. "You don't know what you've got till you lose what you what you used to have"

Mundane

Baby's 17 birthday.
Just a random picture that pretty much lifted up my spirits this morning. :-) Dead beat, reached home at 2am last night and only managed to sleep at 4. I woke up on the wrong side on the bed today, with a bad mood. Such a bad way to start off my day. Sometimes its really hard to communicate and try to understand my parents. I have to keep up with their expectations, and when i don't, they claim they're disappointed. Disappointment is a big word to me, and i get really affected by it, imagine your parents constantly tell you that they're disappointed. I used to be the type to want to gain my parents trust. I'd still like to gain their trust, but lets face it, easier said then done. To be honest, right now, even if they claim they're disappointed, i wouldn't really bother. Not like in the past, where i would apologize and try to make amendments. I've gotten so used to disappointment, that i don't feel anything anymore. Not intending on celebrating Mothers' Day which is tomorrow, i don't want to force myself into making her happy, when i clearly know that i'm not interested in talking to her. One month has gone by, and i've made very minimal contact with my parents. I like it better this way. Ah i'm so broke, all my money is in my mother's hands.. I need to shop. :( Did i mention how mundane my life is?

Have to constantly remind myself that i shouldn't trust easily. To think i almost let my guard down...

Brand new start

Just revived my old and dead blogger, after 2 miserable years. Decided to delete all my 300+ posts from before, furthermore, recalling the me from 2-4 years back just brought back so many bad memories. So here i am, brand new start, afresh.

It's the mid years once again, to think that 5 months passed so fast, almost half a year, and i've done absolutely nothing. Pathetic and aimless life i lead. Contemplated to revive my blogger, partly due to wanting to have a quick get-away from the hectic and messy life of mine. Ah... I have a really bad flu and migraine, my head hurts so bad. Ok so today was E-Maths paper 2 and A-Maths, i'm gonna fail really badly this time round, due to my endless procrastination and lack of motivation. I wonder where did the me from a year back, went? The one who was so constantly happy and motivated, to always do my best for myself and for everyone around me. This time round, i can't afford to think like that anymore. Call me selfish, but the only person that i'm able to do my best for, is myself. Afterall, so many experiences, only taught me that in this world, the only person i can rely and count on, is myself. Nobody's gonna stick with me through out, i'm responsible for my own happiness and future. Everything and everyone around me, is temporary. "Leave before everyone else leaves, make sure you're your own priority beause no one else can treat you better, than you treat yourself" An important lesson learnt, glad that i've finally got that drilled into my brain. With my inability to trust anyone around me, i've spared myself from all the redundant hurt and pain, turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Ok too much for the first post.

I'm ending off with a picture of my dog, that i missed so bad. The only happy memory i can recall, back from the past. How i miss her.