Shall update this space with a issue that has influenced my mindset in many ways, but due to the lack of time and opportunity i never really got to express my viewpoints about it.

I sincerely thank all the people who has affected my life negatively at one point or another. That includes the so called friends, the unsupportive teachers, my haters and whoever else that has made my life hell. I really send out my gratitude to you. You've brought about an immense amount of pain, hurt, betrayal, desperation and negativity to my life and i really appreciate that. No, honestly, not being sarcastic here, i used to care and be so affected by the people who treated my feelings like it was dispensable, my kindness for granted, my time all for nothing, my money gone to waste, and worst off, my efforts down the drain. Fuck you all, hahaha. It left me angered and disappointed, by however as time passed by, i realised "why the fuck for?". Accepting back the friends that betrayed you? Why the fuck for? Helping others that left you in the lurch? Why the fuck for? Loving and caring for someone that gave up on you without no hesitation? Why the fuck for? I've been through weakness and vulnerability and you think i give a fuck now? I'm past the point of being affected, gracios for the new found motivation and confidence!

Why the fuck would you want to waste your time, being friends for the sake it with people you have no interest in, or dislike? It's a torture to myself, isn't it. I mean we're all acquaintances but i don't see a need to fake and suck up to the people that barely understands me, who approaches me only in times of need, or to judge my actions without knowing my reasons. Don't see a point there, and i'm really better off being by myself.

Was a fool to have believed and toss my heart and youth down the drain all for someone whom i loved. Nothing but a waste of time, it was a harsh lesson learnt and damn right i learnt that lesson well. Forsaked every aspect of my life, just to dedicate myself for that very one person who gave up on me without any hesitation at the very ultimatum. Wasted the following one year being hung up over the mistakes that i never made, hung up over the person who spared no thought for me, hung up by my wasted love and efforts, but it was a mistake on my part and i paid the price. Then i realised why the fuck for? Why the fuck should i walk the plank for someone who brought me pain and sadness and worst off, never had the courage and heart to spare me a thought by providing me a proper closure. Why pin over someone who left you in their past? Why the fuck for? I deserve better, fuck that. I deserve the best. I realised that everyone is bound to fail and disappoint you, but only i can bring myself the security and well deserved result if i put my heart and soul into improving myself and caring less. I'm not saying that i should abandon everyone, however i'm only good to those good to me and the rest can live the lives seperate from mine. From today onwards, i'm gonna walk my life on my own and i won't look back anymore. I have better plans and aspirations for myself and i'm done hoping just to end up disappointed.

Faith

(Decided against uploading any pictures cause i've linked my instagram to my site inst) x
I've learnt so much these past few months. Having exams tomorrow and yet i'm still consumed by all these thoughts running through my mind. Sometimes i really wonder what the fuck am i doing.
ANYWAYSSS, miss these two girls of mine, realised we've drifted alot and since school started and to add on the fact we share different areas of interest, we've drifted quite alot! Like casey and her regular clubbing habits, SIGH. :(

 

After going through these past few months i came to realise that i was too stubborn for my own good. Refusing to heed anyone's advice, refusing to follow my heart, and refusing to see the good between the bad. Sometimes when i look back, i'm grateful for the love i've once received and yet at times i'm consumed by anger and sadness on how the people who means the most to me are always the ones that gives up on me. However, at the end of the day i know that i'm to blame. It's tiring having to live a life filled with doubts and fear, whether i want to continue living my life this way or that.., whether i should or should not.. and i guess it's really time for me to stop with this ridiculous and messed up behavior. For so long i've deluded myself. I finally see the light, and it's true that with acceptance, comes reat relief. I feel like i've finally gain the courage and strength to let go and start to live a life filled with meaning. I don't want to continue living a such a meaningless and unhappy life, i want to appreciate the beauty around me, the people i love. Solace and serenity. Independence runs deep in my blood and from young, i was taught on the importance of self sufficiency and how i should rely on myself. But sometimes it's upsetting having to go through a life being self sufficient, and not knowing how to share my happiness and woes. I need a really drastic and significant change in my life. I know its hard, and i still catch myself being upset over the people and things that shouldn't even matter anymore. But it was a good lesson learnt. And i'm done with paying for the mistakes i never made, caring for the people who left me in the lurch. And i'm so glad that i found God's faith and love, so glad that God has given me the courage to let go of  what i should have let go a long time ago, given me grace of knowing that i cannot turn back but instead i can restart. Yes i may fall, but i'll never fail to stand again if God so loves and believes in me.  It's time i let nature take its course and soon enough i believe that happiness will find me.

ANYWAYS, on a brighter note i hope that i'll be more optimistic and postive about school now! :-)