I've learnt so much these past few months. Having exams tomorrow and yet i'm still consumed by all these thoughts running through my mind. Sometimes i really wonder what the fuck am i doing.
ANYWAYSSS, miss these two girls of mine, realised we've drifted alot and since school started and to add on the fact we share different areas of interest, we've drifted quite alot! Like casey and her regular clubbing habits, SIGH. :(
After going through these past few months i came to realise that i was too stubborn for my own good. Refusing to heed anyone's advice, refusing to follow my heart, and refusing to see the good between the bad. Sometimes when i look back, i'm grateful for the love i've once received and yet at times i'm consumed by anger and sadness on how the people who means the most to me are always the ones that gives up on me. However, at the end of the day i know that i'm to blame. It's tiring having to live a life filled with doubts and fear, whether i want to continue living my life this way or that.., whether i should or should not.. and i guess it's really time for me to stop with this ridiculous and messed up behavior. For so long i've deluded myself. I finally see the light, and it's true that with acceptance, comes reat relief. I feel like i've finally gain the courage and strength to let go and start to live a life filled with meaning. I don't want to continue living a such a meaningless and unhappy life, i want to appreciate the beauty around me, the people i love. Solace and serenity. Independence runs deep in my blood and from young, i was taught on the importance of self sufficiency and how i should rely on myself. But sometimes it's upsetting having to go through a life being self sufficient, and not knowing how to share my happiness and woes. I need a really drastic and significant change in my life. I know its hard, and i still catch myself being upset over the people and things that shouldn't even matter anymore. But it was a good lesson learnt. And i'm done with paying for the mistakes i never made, caring for the people who left me in the lurch. And i'm so glad that i found God's faith and love, so glad that God has given me the courage to let go of what i should have let go a long time ago, given me grace of knowing that i cannot turn back but instead i can restart. Yes i may fall, but i'll never fail to stand again if God so loves and believes in me. It's time i let nature take its course and soon enough i believe that happiness will find me.
