August

It's August again, i should be feeling ecstatic and enthusiastic, but apparently that's not the case. Deep thoughts on my education path and i solely regret the choice that i've made in the pique of foolishness. They say it's never too late, but is it? Nothing is impossible, i hope? I really don't have much faith in myself and it's beginning to show, i used to be someone who would never give up easily, but nowadays i just declare defeat without even trying. Regrets and more regrets every day, when will i be able to live my life to the fullest? My current lifestyle is really draining me, and i can't cope, feels like i've been sapped of my energy emotionally and physically, it's so exhausting.

 

Pictures were from last week. Met Marcus last week to catch Despicable Me, it was alright, not really awesome but it wasn't as bad as i expected... not really a fan of cartoon movies. But it was cute thou. Went to meet Pearlyn and Joanna aftermath where we had some girl bonding time, haven't seen the two of em' in a long long time especially Pearlyn. We had a lot to catch up on, had supper together before heading home to rest! 

 

Met Xinyi twice this week, where on both occasions we had western food but as expected we couldn't even finish half of the food before leaving. HAHA always order too much, just to end up not being able to finish the food. Caught "The Conjuring" the new horror movie in cinemas, with her and it was good, i think i screamed thrice HAHA. And whats worst is that we were sitting in the front row, but the movie is rly worth watching, scare factor 8.5/10 i guess!!! 

Spent two days straight with Min er and i swear all plans we made about making it a productive weekend flew out of the window bcus we were both as tired as hell and we had too many plans. Taking care of this cutie cat for a month and she's just gorgeous and adorable, never liked cats but Berry's an exception. Oh well, i guess thats it.

 

 

累了伤了就放弃了。 说到做到, 难道有这么容易吗？

Moments.

  
Happy birthday to you my bestfriend for 8 years. Thank you for everything, for comforting me when i was upset over him, thank you for accompanying me in the middle of the night all the way to clementi and whatever despite feeling unwell. Thank you for always being by my side, i still rmb our pri schl days, to and fro to school everyday, watching the grudge together, and and getting so scared of taking lifts, i still remember the last time i went to your house at redhill we saw this crazy woman who looked like she was taking drugs, fuck we were so scared back then HAHAHA. I have so many memories of us and i don't know how to begin, i remember how both you and weiling surprised me with a cake at my house last year. I hope you know that i love you so much even though we're all busy with our own lives. ♥      

Ok, so i caught up with moonyoung recently because she's moving to Texas for good. Now that i think about it, we didn't get off at a right start and we used to hate each other so much, it's been four years and i will miss her when she migrates to Texas.. :( I remember she used to be such a bitch and i used to hate her guts so much cause she was so fucking childish back then, still is now HAHA. But at least less bitchy, and if i recalled correctly ever since she changed school, i was constantly worried for her and would send her texts telling her to not smoke so much or whatever hahah i guess thats how we managed to go thru all those months even if we're no longer in the same school. I swear my lower sec days was constantly spent hating on this bitch here HAHA seriously she was so terrible back then, but i'm glad she changed (personality wise). Would skype her when she was in korea and i'd spend the first 20 minutes of our late night phone calls laughing about absolutely nth??? LIKE SERIOUSLY i would be laughing for absolutely no reason?! 
   I can't go through another round of heartbreak anymore. I loved you just to realise i've lost everything i used to be. And it sucks because obviously i wasn't enough to make you stay. And i'm so sick of being left behind like i'm living on a thread, a drip. I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to rewind, cus right now i don't know how i'm supposed to start over anew when everything and everybody reminds me of you, when my nights are spent on missing you, my days spent on pretending i don't need you. I want to rip the drip off my heart, but i'd die doing so, but i can't keep living on a drip, i'm half alive and you're living the life you always wanted. Free of commitment, free of love, free of obligations, responsibilities. You have every right to fuck around but why is it that in your reckless moments of fun, i'm always the one hurting behind the scenes. I don't know how to live through this, i don't want to live with it, the burden of the memories lying squarely on my shoulders. I value independence, while my friends tell me i just fear commitment. Maybe I don't fear commitment, i fear being committed to the wrong person. At times i feel like i miss you and everything we used to have, but sometimes when i see you, i no longer feel anything, my world used to revolve around you, but time changes things, you're no longer my world, but it still hurts when i think of you unexpectedly. The pain doesn't go away, thou it gets lesser. Like a dormant volcano i don't know if i still love you or if i no longer do. You were once my angel, but now you're someone else's angel, i wish you all the best.

Shall update this space with a issue that has influenced my mindset in many ways, but due to the lack of time and opportunity i never really got to express my viewpoints about it.

I sincerely thank all the people who has affected my life negatively at one point or another. That includes the so called friends, the unsupportive teachers, my haters and whoever else that has made my life hell. I really send out my gratitude to you. You've brought about an immense amount of pain, hurt, betrayal, desperation and negativity to my life and i really appreciate that. No, honestly, not being sarcastic here, i used to care and be so affected by the people who treated my feelings like it was dispensable, my kindness for granted, my time all for nothing, my money gone to waste, and worst off, my efforts down the drain. Fuck you all, hahaha. It left me angered and disappointed, by however as time passed by, i realised "why the fuck for?". Accepting back the friends that betrayed you? Why the fuck for? Helping others that left you in the lurch? Why the fuck for? Loving and caring for someone that gave up on you without no hesitation? Why the fuck for? I've been through weakness and vulnerability and you think i give a fuck now? I'm past the point of being affected, gracios for the new found motivation and confidence!

Why the fuck would you want to waste your time, being friends for the sake it with people you have no interest in, or dislike? It's a torture to myself, isn't it. I mean we're all acquaintances but i don't see a need to fake and suck up to the people that barely understands me, who approaches me only in times of need, or to judge my actions without knowing my reasons. Don't see a point there, and i'm really better off being by myself.

Was a fool to have believed and toss my heart and youth down the drain all for someone whom i loved. Nothing but a waste of time, it was a harsh lesson learnt and damn right i learnt that lesson well. Forsaked every aspect of my life, just to dedicate myself for that very one person who gave up on me without any hesitation at the very ultimatum. Wasted the following one year being hung up over the mistakes that i never made, hung up over the person who spared no thought for me, hung up by my wasted love and efforts, but it was a mistake on my part and i paid the price. Then i realised why the fuck for? Why the fuck should i walk the plank for someone who brought me pain and sadness and worst off, never had the courage and heart to spare me a thought by providing me a proper closure. Why pin over someone who left you in their past? Why the fuck for? I deserve better, fuck that. I deserve the best. I realised that everyone is bound to fail and disappoint you, but only i can bring myself the security and well deserved result if i put my heart and soul into improving myself and caring less. I'm not saying that i should abandon everyone, however i'm only good to those good to me and the rest can live the lives seperate from mine. From today onwards, i'm gonna walk my life on my own and i won't look back anymore. I have better plans and aspirations for myself and i'm done hoping just to end up disappointed.

Faith

(Decided against uploading any pictures cause i've linked my instagram to my site inst) x
I've learnt so much these past few months. Having exams tomorrow and yet i'm still consumed by all these thoughts running through my mind. Sometimes i really wonder what the fuck am i doing.
ANYWAYSSS, miss these two girls of mine, realised we've drifted alot and since school started and to add on the fact we share different areas of interest, we've drifted quite alot! Like casey and her regular clubbing habits, SIGH. :(

 

After going through these past few months i came to realise that i was too stubborn for my own good. Refusing to heed anyone's advice, refusing to follow my heart, and refusing to see the good between the bad. Sometimes when i look back, i'm grateful for the love i've once received and yet at times i'm consumed by anger and sadness on how the people who means the most to me are always the ones that gives up on me. However, at the end of the day i know that i'm to blame. It's tiring having to live a life filled with doubts and fear, whether i want to continue living my life this way or that.., whether i should or should not.. and i guess it's really time for me to stop with this ridiculous and messed up behavior. For so long i've deluded myself. I finally see the light, and it's true that with acceptance, comes reat relief. I feel like i've finally gain the courage and strength to let go and start to live a life filled with meaning. I don't want to continue living a such a meaningless and unhappy life, i want to appreciate the beauty around me, the people i love. Solace and serenity. Independence runs deep in my blood and from young, i was taught on the importance of self sufficiency and how i should rely on myself. But sometimes it's upsetting having to go through a life being self sufficient, and not knowing how to share my happiness and woes. I need a really drastic and significant change in my life. I know its hard, and i still catch myself being upset over the people and things that shouldn't even matter anymore. But it was a good lesson learnt. And i'm done with paying for the mistakes i never made, caring for the people who left me in the lurch. And i'm so glad that i found God's faith and love, so glad that God has given me the courage to let go of  what i should have let go a long time ago, given me grace of knowing that i cannot turn back but instead i can restart. Yes i may fall, but i'll never fail to stand again if God so loves and believes in me.  It's time i let nature take its course and soon enough i believe that happiness will find me.

ANYWAYS, on a brighter note i hope that i'll be more optimistic and postive about school now! :-)

Forget

Let go and let god. Have a taste of the fast and furious they said, guaranteed to forget the frustration they claimed.

Why do I feel like nothing's going to work out for me anymore. I really wish I can put all this aside and restart my life. For months on end, never a day have you left my mind and I'm just tired. Tired of feeling. Nothing hurts more than knowing that you meant nothing to the person who meant everything to you. My emotions are a wreck haha. I wish that I can stop disappointing my parents and myself but I don't know how to change the life I lead. I don't know how to turn back the hands of time but if I could I would. I've come to realized that everything and everyone is temporary and everyone's bound to let you down, it's just a matter of time. I hope one day I can fully forget you and forgive myself. I miss you but you deserve to be happy but I just can't watch you go on without me. So god I pray for strength and courage to let go of the past and bless both of us with happiness.