Happiness shall bind me.

"When one person stops trying in a relationship, that's when everything starts to fall apart." 
  

Met Eliza and Jared today, just for a little catch up. Got my tongue re-pierced, such a impulsive decision. Couldn't speak properly, worst off having pastamania for lunch was a total hassle! Took damn long to eat, and guess what, in the end i didn't manage to finish my meal... Eliza and Jared must've had fun laughing at me, watching me having difficulty eating and talking properly. HOW MEAN. In case anyone's wondering, they're not a couple, don't be mistaken!



Been lazing around so much lately, it's almost the end of the holidays and i haven't started on my work yet. How time flies. Used to be so neat and studious. Ok, must study tomorrow for sure, have to stop procrastinating really!!!! MUST MUST MUST. I guess i'll be meeting Germaine ong tomorrow for some studying and catch up session, how i miss my bestfriend. "True friendship isn't based on how many times you see each other, but the comfort and ease of telling each other your deepest and darkest secrets without the fear of being betrayed. True friendship is when you can still feel as close as ever, even if you haven't met each other for months" How true. Can't believe the rate which i'm spending, splurging on practically everything. SIGH, someone should just teach me to save up, how i wish i had unlimited cash. Fat hope...



I'm having so many mixed thoughts and emotions now. Sometimes i really wonder why i get affected and upset by one's insincerity and lack of effort. It's like we're falling in this place where both parties aren't willing to back down. Makes me wonder why i'm willing to put in the effort for people who never seem to appreciate it, and instead take it for granted.

Oh well, shall update later on this week. Goodnight xo. "It sucks when people hold on to that pain too long that they become totally judgemental and pessimistic about everything" @sxcasian

Bring back the good old days

Finally home after 3 days. Stayed over at Francisca's house on Friday all the way to today. Went to Club Soul on Friday night and it was pretty boring... No feel to club at all. Tried to contact Claire but to no avail, seems like she's on her missing in action spree again.. To think that we wanted to celebrate her birthday at Club Soul that day, as a surprise for her. Really hate it when everything is perfectly planned out, just to have something unexpected to screw everything up. Can't believe at this age i'm already getting bored of partying and everything, wonder how boring is it going to be when i grow up.. Back to topic, Saturday was well spent on lazing around and feasting at Francisca's house with Rachael. Wasn't feeling really well in the middle of the night, sweet of Rachael, Fran and her sister to hunt for medication and make milk for me. Had very minimum sleep these few days, surviving on 4 hours of sleep per day. Seems like my family life is never gonna stabilize. Funny how everytime i try to put in the effort to communicate, my efforts go unappreciated, and when i finally decide to not care, they start to care. After you put in your effort to do something for others, the least you would expect, is for them to appreciate it. It's only fair that way, isn't it? Oh well, after so many years, all i've learnt in this family is that i can only count on myself. How confusing, at times i want to be a good daughter that fares well academically and in life. At times, i just want to party and have fun and forget about everything for awhile. The distractions we face as a adolescent is infuriatingly annoying. But i should know better, should start concentrating on my future, besides without education and money, everything is fucking impossible. Sad to say, i'm already finding it so difficult to balance out my life. Scrolling through tumblr rn, and i realized i'm able to relate my life so much to tumblr, its as if someone else is publishing my thoughts. How amusing.



I need to go church soon. I thank god for all that i have, today.

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Heart on the line

Hanna & I last year @ East Coast (pardon the small eyes, the sun was too bright)

Dear Hanna, you're a beautiful and talented girl with loads of potential, I'm utterly grateful and blessed to have a friend like you, really treasure our friendship, and thank you for the amazing memories we shared. I will miss you when you leave Singapore and i reallyyyyyy hope we'll still stay in contact and that you can come to visit us in Singapore in the future. You're truly amazing,
I love you, Hanna Giselle Thompson ♥

Ok, school's out and yes my results are out too. Didn't do well this time round, in fact my level position dropped, absolutely did not put in ANY effort, and i can say i'm rather disappointed with myself. I realized i have a tendency to feel extremely bitter about the fact that others are doing so much better than myself. I don't like the feeling of losing, in fact i HATE it. Whatever, shall do better in the next exam. Sick of the disputes between my parents and i, i'm not used to the sudden display of affection and concern over my well being, it's a rarity to come home everyday to feel comfortable with the thought of "home sweet home" on my mind. Oh well, it doesn't even feel like its the holidays, especially due to the fact that my freedom has been restricted and the heavy burden of the mental reminder to myself that i have to sacrifice more time for my academics instead of just wasting my time, having fun. Anyway its my brother's birthday today.

Lazy Sunday today, was down with a really bad cramp and headache, read a new book, House Rules by Jodi Picoult. Must say it was rather draggy but the story was not bad. My vocabulary and english seems to be deproving, this is bad, i should start studying harder and reading up more. Daddy got me a little present from Japan despite our huge fight, and i can say that i'm really touched. Sometimes its the smaller actions and gestures people do, that has more significance and meaning behind it. I think about what my parents go through and everything they did to bring me up and i can understand why they want a better disciplined daughter who fares well in academics and in life I'm so easily angered and irritable these days, its like everything is simply pissing me off. Oh well, it's my bestfriend, Patrick's birthday tomorrow, hooray to 3 years of friendship.
lol i miss my gay baby haha ♥

Worlds' apart

Interest is when, you do it only when circumstance permit, however when you're committed, you accept no excuses, only results.
Fell in love with most of the songs from The Veronicas. Reflected alot on my life and i realised that i've been wasting it on the people and things that won't even matter in time. With each wasted second, there goes a second of your life, because not even all the luxuries and cash in the world can ever exchange for that one split second of your life. Had a talk with mom that only resulted in both of us getting rly emotional and, it made me reflect alot, and i realised that blood is indeed thicker than water. Questioning myself if this is the life i want to continue leading? I have to brace myself up and be strong cause all along, i knew that reality was in store for me right, it's only a matter of time before i faced it. All the choices that we make defines who and where we'll end up to be in the future. Honestly i could have done so much more in life, and now all i see when i look back, are all regrets. Guess i was too blinded to see ahead of myself. I have to learn to accept the fact that people change, and they stop putting in the effort to keep you by their sides, i have to learn to let go of certain people and things. Hopefully things will turn out for the better. Goodnight x. ♥

Long forgotten

♥ ♥ ♥Guess this is one of those nights where my mind wanders off on its own again, i have absolutely no understanding of my feelings. This is getting crazy. One moment i'm telling myself i shouldn't get attached to people, that everyone and everything around me is temporary and that nothing lasts forever despite how much you want it to last, knowing that i could lose possibly everything one day i have if fate isn't on my side and that i have to rely on myself for my own happiness and future. I always doubt the people who tells me that they'll be with me through out it all, words are just words aren't they? Its not like i haven't had my fair share of experiences. Time and time again, i've been countlessly let down. Over and over again. I've gotten so used to the disappointments, it still hurts but i've learnt how to endure it, afterall its not like i'm the only one suffering. I've kept so much to myself i find it so difficult to open up anymore. I've got so many things i want to say, to the people i care for/love, but my fear of getting hurt always triumphs.

Yet another part of me wants to hold on tightly to everything i have right now because i never know when i would lose everything and everyone, and as much as it hurts to be constantly let down, i want a reason to believe and trust in people. I don't know how much longer i can keep strong for, everyday's just a constant battle between my head and heart, trying my best to keep it in me. I'm scared of disappointment, of hurt, of the pain, of the memories, of the thought of how happy i used to be, everything is a just a horrible and harsh reminder to myself to never let anyone close enough to hurt me anymore. I'm so sick and tired of keeping my hopes up and being positive, what the point? Everytime someone makes me believe i can trust them, within the next minute, they do something to destroy my trust in them, that eventually leads to proving my judgement of "trusting people will cause you to be disappointed" right, resulting in me distancing myself from them. Its like the same old vicious cycle all over again.

The worst part is knowing that i just have to keep my strong and calm image and be immune towards everything, to never let my weak, vulnerable side of me to get the better of me. "Do not let my feelings clash with my ability to think rationally", and yet people say i'm insensitive and preoccupied in my own selfish world to bother with others. I mean i have my own share of problems and i can handle that by myself so why do i need to lament about my problems all day just to seek for attention and pity from the people around me? Just because i don't say or show it doesn't mean its not happening or that i don't feel anything. It's just that i'm able to keep my emotions in check, doesn't mean that i'm leading such a painless life. I can fully relate to this: "I'm not heartless, i've just learnt to use my heart less". I find it so utterly ridiculous how the people i barely know can always manage to notice my insecurities and my pain and try to understand me, while the people closest to me always seem to be oblivious. And all thats happening is causing me to doubt the life i've been leading, and i can't help feeling how much i would give everything up right now just to restart my life all over again. Selfish thought i know, but if you were in my shoes, would you have made the same decision that i made? The past used to be so much prettier, but i don't want to linger and be trapped in there anymore.

Sunday once again

Mom and i in the past

Oh and yes, do take a look @ Thesamplestore, thesamplestore.sg is a site mainly to test purchase or test out the different products (mainly beauty) from a range of skincare to makeup!!! I know that some of you girls might be interested and best part is that, you'll be able to redeem free samples, before you decide if you want to purchase a certain product!!! Good news, is that you just have to pay for the delivery fee, and that's only 2-4 bucks!! May be doing a review for certain products soon (depends), so if you want to try it out too, click Thesamplestore and get started now, before the sample stocks run out!! Much appreciated x! ♥♥

So today's mothers day and there's nothing planned out. Quite guilt stricken for not preparing anything for mom, guess a part of me still is concerned about her feelings. Not sure if its just a feeling of being indebted towards her, or? Afterall she was the one that raised me up. Its sunday once again, had initially planned on going for church but i guess i'll put it off till next week, after my exams. Can't wait for my exams to be over, but i'm not looking forward to the results. Didn't study this time round. Bound to fail for sure, ha ha whats new. Woke up in the morning feeling so drained from my dreams, have been having really exaggerated and ridiculous dreams lately and it pretty much freaked me out. Feeling so horrible, felt the surge of sadness and relief the moment i woke up, glad that it was only just a dream, summary of my dream: not to take the people and things i love for granted. Sigh i miss bb so much. :( Had dinz with Patrick yesterday and i have no idea why I was on such a food desperate spree yesterday. Craving for cupcakes, gongcha, pastamania, pizzahut, kfc, starbucks, sushi, tauhuey... God knows what else. Had a very satisfying dinner and i had the best chicken wings evurrr hehe. Yummy.

I chose this life for myself, and i chose to walk down this path, i don't know if there's any turning back now but i really hope you'll understand why i'm doing this. I just want someone to fight for me and realise i do have my reasons for doing things and as much as it hurts, i want a reason to turn back because i know that even if i was leading a life full of doubts and was always caught up in my endless wishful thinkings, i was happy back then. Even though its easier to say i don't care, to try to numb myself towards the things and people around me, then to let myself go through the vicious cycle of hurt again, i'm not happy. And i can say that this hurts more, but still i keep my feelings to myself because i know that as much as i love someone, i'm more afraid of getting hurt. Is that selfish of me? I tell myself i have no regrets but i know when the time comes, i'll be the first to regret it all. For letting people walk out of my life without fighting for them. What am i thinking again... I just hope whatever choices i make, it'll all be worth it when i look back in time. Always pushing people away due to my insecurities and putting my ego in priority, for once i should put my ego down for the people i love, but then again its so difficult for me to actually put my ego and pride down for anyone. "You don't know what you've got till you lose what you what you used to have"

Mundane

Baby's 17 birthday.
Just a random picture that pretty much lifted up my spirits this morning. :-) Dead beat, reached home at 2am last night and only managed to sleep at 4. I woke up on the wrong side on the bed today, with a bad mood. Such a bad way to start off my day. Sometimes its really hard to communicate and try to understand my parents. I have to keep up with their expectations, and when i don't, they claim they're disappointed. Disappointment is a big word to me, and i get really affected by it, imagine your parents constantly tell you that they're disappointed. I used to be the type to want to gain my parents trust. I'd still like to gain their trust, but lets face it, easier said then done. To be honest, right now, even if they claim they're disappointed, i wouldn't really bother. Not like in the past, where i would apologize and try to make amendments. I've gotten so used to disappointment, that i don't feel anything anymore. Not intending on celebrating Mothers' Day which is tomorrow, i don't want to force myself into making her happy, when i clearly know that i'm not interested in talking to her. One month has gone by, and i've made very minimal contact with my parents. I like it better this way. Ah i'm so broke, all my money is in my mother's hands.. I need to shop. :( Did i mention how mundane my life is?

Have to constantly remind myself that i shouldn't trust easily. To think i almost let my guard down...

Brand new start

Just revived my old and dead blogger, after 2 miserable years. Decided to delete all my 300+ posts from before, furthermore, recalling the me from 2-4 years back just brought back so many bad memories. So here i am, brand new start, afresh.

It's the mid years once again, to think that 5 months passed so fast, almost half a year, and i've done absolutely nothing. Pathetic and aimless life i lead. Contemplated to revive my blogger, partly due to wanting to have a quick get-away from the hectic and messy life of mine. Ah... I have a really bad flu and migraine, my head hurts so bad. Ok so today was E-Maths paper 2 and A-Maths, i'm gonna fail really badly this time round, due to my endless procrastination and lack of motivation. I wonder where did the me from a year back, went? The one who was so constantly happy and motivated, to always do my best for myself and for everyone around me. This time round, i can't afford to think like that anymore. Call me selfish, but the only person that i'm able to do my best for, is myself. Afterall, so many experiences, only taught me that in this world, the only person i can rely and count on, is myself. Nobody's gonna stick with me through out, i'm responsible for my own happiness and future. Everything and everyone around me, is temporary. "Leave before everyone else leaves, make sure you're your own priority beause no one else can treat you better, than you treat yourself" An important lesson learnt, glad that i've finally got that drilled into my brain. With my inability to trust anyone around me, i've spared myself from all the redundant hurt and pain, turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Ok too much for the first post.

I'm ending off with a picture of my dog, that i missed so bad. The only happy memory i can recall, back from the past. How i miss her.