V5

Vaunt5 on Saturday with my boyfriend, Francisca, Claire, Eliza, Jordan, and a few more people i forgot who... Hectic day, had no feel at all, and half the time i'm literally drinking just for the sake of it, not to mention claire, francisca and i smoked a whole pack of iceblast.. The thought of me laying my hands on those nasty things makes me feel so utterly disgusted with myself. Oh well, at least i'm not addicted to smoking or whatsoever, just a social smoker. I'm lazy to elaborate, all i can say is i'm really grateful to have my boyfriend with me, to support me and all, he was so tired and had to go home to complete his projects and study before his exams on Monday, yet he accompanied me all night and even let me sleep on his lap on the way home. Sigh... Really blessed and lucky i have such a boyfriend. Didn't take any photos at all due to the constant rush for time.

Sometimes i just wish that our lives were simpler. Not constantly tangled up and involved in all these complications. Lately i've become very displeased by what i'm constantly lacking and people are telling me i should be grateful for what i have, yes ok bla bla... but really, if you were surrounded by people who have everything you seem to be lacking, wouldn't you feel the same? Over thinking really kills at times. If only i could turn back time, there'll be so many amendments i'll make, so that i won't ever have to end up in my current state. Would have given everything up i have for now, to be something more. There i go again, back to my usual self. Desperately need a drastic change in my lifestyle. How i wish i could turn back time.

Should start on my revision soon x, hate how holidays always seems to go by in a flash.

Worlds' apart

Interest is when, you do it only when circumstance permit, however when you're committed, you accept no excuses, only results.
Fell in love with most of the songs from The Veronicas. Reflected alot on my life and i realised that i've been wasting it on the people and things that won't even matter in time. With each wasted second, there goes a second of your life, because not even all the luxuries and cash in the world can ever exchange for that one split second of your life. Had a talk with mom that only resulted in both of us getting rly emotional and, it made me reflect alot, and i realised that blood is indeed thicker than water. Questioning myself if this is the life i want to continue leading? I have to brace myself up and be strong cause all along, i knew that reality was in store for me right, it's only a matter of time before i faced it. All the choices that we make defines who and where we'll end up to be in the future. Honestly i could have done so much more in life, and now all i see when i look back, are all regrets. Guess i was too blinded to see ahead of myself. I have to learn to accept the fact that people change, and they stop putting in the effort to keep you by their sides, i have to learn to let go of certain people and things. Hopefully things will turn out for the better. Goodnight x. ♥

Long forgotten

♥ ♥ ♥Guess this is one of those nights where my mind wanders off on its own again, i have absolutely no understanding of my feelings. This is getting crazy. One moment i'm telling myself i shouldn't get attached to people, that everyone and everything around me is temporary and that nothing lasts forever despite how much you want it to last, knowing that i could lose possibly everything one day i have if fate isn't on my side and that i have to rely on myself for my own happiness and future. I always doubt the people who tells me that they'll be with me through out it all, words are just words aren't they? Its not like i haven't had my fair share of experiences. Time and time again, i've been countlessly let down. Over and over again. I've gotten so used to the disappointments, it still hurts but i've learnt how to endure it, afterall its not like i'm the only one suffering. I've kept so much to myself i find it so difficult to open up anymore. I've got so many things i want to say, to the people i care for/love, but my fear of getting hurt always triumphs.

Yet another part of me wants to hold on tightly to everything i have right now because i never know when i would lose everything and everyone, and as much as it hurts to be constantly let down, i want a reason to believe and trust in people. I don't know how much longer i can keep strong for, everyday's just a constant battle between my head and heart, trying my best to keep it in me. I'm scared of disappointment, of hurt, of the pain, of the memories, of the thought of how happy i used to be, everything is a just a horrible and harsh reminder to myself to never let anyone close enough to hurt me anymore. I'm so sick and tired of keeping my hopes up and being positive, what the point? Everytime someone makes me believe i can trust them, within the next minute, they do something to destroy my trust in them, that eventually leads to proving my judgement of "trusting people will cause you to be disappointed" right, resulting in me distancing myself from them. Its like the same old vicious cycle all over again.

The worst part is knowing that i just have to keep my strong and calm image and be immune towards everything, to never let my weak, vulnerable side of me to get the better of me. "Do not let my feelings clash with my ability to think rationally", and yet people say i'm insensitive and preoccupied in my own selfish world to bother with others. I mean i have my own share of problems and i can handle that by myself so why do i need to lament about my problems all day just to seek for attention and pity from the people around me? Just because i don't say or show it doesn't mean its not happening or that i don't feel anything. It's just that i'm able to keep my emotions in check, doesn't mean that i'm leading such a painless life. I can fully relate to this: "I'm not heartless, i've just learnt to use my heart less". I find it so utterly ridiculous how the people i barely know can always manage to notice my insecurities and my pain and try to understand me, while the people closest to me always seem to be oblivious. And all thats happening is causing me to doubt the life i've been leading, and i can't help feeling how much i would give everything up right now just to restart my life all over again. Selfish thought i know, but if you were in my shoes, would you have made the same decision that i made? The past used to be so much prettier, but i don't want to linger and be trapped in there anymore.